I'm not in love with you anymore....let's just be friends

So my friend asked me tonight why my feelings for Clay have changed. Of course I had to write a freaking diatribe to answer her, but it was good hash it all out. So for prosperity....here's my breakup letter to Clay Aiken.

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It's been a long process and I've been fighting these feelings for over 2 years now.

I never liked Clay Aiken because of his voice. I like his voice, but it's far down on the list of things that I like about him.

What first and foremost drew me to him was his looks. I was immediately attracted to him before he ever sang a note. Then I really liked his personality. Then I liked how he sounded when he sang. And I never really liked the music or songs he sang. I would have never listened to them if they had been sung by anyone else.

1. Looks: So Clay changing his looks is most significant thing because it took away my sexual attraction, my lecherousness if you will, for him. The hair and the general appearance (including the teeth capping) is my number one gripe. I've been waiting and hoping for 2 years that he would style (and color) his hair into some fashion that I found appealing, but so far it hasn't happened.

When there's no sexual attraction, there's no interest in staring at pictures of him. There's no interest in talking incessantly and fantasizing about his body and what he is or isn't doing with it. There's no giddiness over my "cute celebrity boyfriend."

The joy that Clay brought me was through my attraction to him and feeling that rush of lust and the slap-happiness of what having a crush on someone feels like. That's what has kept me around for so long.

2. Personality: Of course the guy is going to change with what has happened in his life over the past 5 years, and I'm not faulting him for it nor intend for it to be a complaint, it's just a factor in how my attraction for him has changed.

For the past couple of years, especially after the Official Fan Club and the blogs came to be, I've started feeling extremely taken advantage of. For a long time I felt like the only time Clay blogged or interacted with his fans was to ask us to donate money or support some cause (worthy ones and not-so-worthy ones like that damn tv show).

But also I've come to feel that Clay or TPTB assume that we the fans are going to go apeshit over every single thing he says, does, or sells no matter the quality or quantity of what is being put before us. Therefore he doesn't feel the need to put forth more effort to keep his fans interested.

The Kelly Rippa incident did not go over well with me. I think Kelly Rippa is an evil idiot for the way she handled it and the things she implied in her comments, but the minute he did that to her, I was enraged with him. That was my gut reaction and I know that if anyone ever did that to me I would go fucking bonkers on them. That was strike two.

Also that interview that was done by the New York magazine (I can't remember who exactly did it), you know the one that apparently everyone was pissed at the author over? That was another big "oh no" moment for me. I didn't like the things Clay said or the way he handle himself. I just kind of shook my head at it. It was kind of the thing that solidified the end of my attraction to his personality.

3. Voice: I still think his voice is really special. There are times when I pop in the old stuff he did on Idol and the goosebumps come back. But I don't feel like his albums ever show off his voice. See part 4.

4. Music: I've reached my limit on the craptastic albums and boring/cheesy symphony and Christmas pageant tours that I have had to muster excitement over. The last album with all the cover songs was a real downer, but I have hung on waiting for this new album....hoping that he would pick some quality original music, not have it sound over-produced like MOAM and the other albums, and offer me something more than safe and boring adult contemporary, easy listening, grocery store aisle music. I intensely dislike Jaymes Foster and the hand she has held in Clay's career as well as senile old-man Clive Davis who thinks he's got a jackpot Barry Manilow, Jr. in the making. But in the end the only person that I can really hold blame to is Clay.

I'm trying to accept that this is just the way he is, this is the music he likes, and this is the song-styling he is going to sing. But it's hard to explain and make sense to people (and to myself) that I've never liked Clay Aiken's music, I just like him.

So finally hearing some songs of this new album and disliking them; seeing Clay in person (at Spamalot) and finding him completely unattractive; and not feeling any sort of connection with him on a personality level....the passionate love-affair is over.

Let's Be Friends: I will always care for him and I will remain interested in what he is doing. I will buy the album next Tuesday. And I will at least listen to the entire thing once. I'm sure I'll see him in concert each time he tours. Like I said, he and I have a history together. I don't hate him. I don't think he's talentless or worthless or anything like that.

And unlike some people I know who have "moved on" - I don't feel like anyone who continues to feel love for him or remain in the fandom is dumb or wasting their time or has no life.

If anything, I'm sad that I don't feel the same and can't fake my feelings to stay a part of it. It's like that famous saying, "It's not you, it's me."

And it sucks and is downright depressing.

money

I really suck at managing money. I'm prone to indulging myself and am a sucker for instant gratification. For example...

I have $22 in my bank account.

Yesterday I purchased (*ahem* charged) a $26.25 bottle of shampoo! Yes, just one bottle. And no some huge gigantic size that weighs 3 pounds and will take me a year to use up. But just a regular sized bottle of this stuff

And a matching $26.25 bottle of conditioner - and this stuff was almost half the size of the shampoo!

And there was some sort of other shit that I just had to have to complete the collection that was $25.50.

I rest my case.